Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Chasing dreams

LOL such a fanciful title and not indicative of where my mind is right now, least I don't think it is.

I heard myself say "I like routine" today. If you have been following my blog for awhile or read any of my earlier posts you will know how strange that seemed to me.

I have, since I was old enough to walk on my own, been an explorer, curiosity has always been my biggest failing.

Is it a failing? Not so much but it has lead me down some interesting paths in the last 50 odd years. So when did I decide I needed to have a routine to be comfortable? Not sure about that either.

It may have begun when the fibro cut me off of most of the activities I liked. Exploring Toronto was just about the happiest I'd ever been. The last day I felt that way sticks in my head still.

I'd started out with a map and a plan. I was excited because it was a trail I'd never been on before. I don't know how long I walked before my back began giving me trouble but I do know that by the time I found a bus stop my back was a frozen, muscle locked, deep pain. The bus ride home was excruciating and I popped four Tylenol when I did get there. Plus a lot more and had a hot shower before the pain finally reached a reasonable level.

That was when I made an appointment with my doctor. That visit was when he diagnosed me with Fibro and proved it by giving me an example with one of my arms. I had been having pain off and on for awhile and fatigue had always been an issues because of the Dysthimia, I just figured it was normal for a 47 year old with depression issues. Since then I have been babying myself, not pushing my body in any way because I feared that pain.

When menopause started a couple of years later I lost my interest in sex which for 30 odd years had been my central focus. I found myself getting scatterbrained spending whole weeks just playing Farmville and Solitaire on my computer. I was 53 or 54 when I decided enough was enough and I started concentrating on creating daily routines so I did other things besides play games and read.

Now ten years later I'm at a point where I feel I need to change things up a little more. Physical activity for exercise is boring but this past week I rediscovered my happiness in exploring. During a business trip with the Professor I found that seeing new places and doing new things actually cheered me up and gave me a bit of my youthful glow back.

Obviously travelling on my own is a bit problematic but nothing says I cant't start checking out the trails around here and going into parts of the city where I haven't spent much time. All I gotta do is allow my curiosity to guide me once again. Besides the places I knew have all changed and I would like to see how.

The doctor will be pleased he's been after me to get more active since obesity was diagnosed as a disease. Yeah I'm obese, the scale says I am 100 pounds heavier than I should be. Not sure what that is in kilos I never really bothered to learn the metric system.

Anyway that's my thoughts for today ... hope you are having a good one

Monday, August 14, 2017

Urban Shaman by C.E. Murphy for Reading Challenge 2017-August

Read an author with the same initials as you: Cherylann Marois - C.E. Murphy
Urban Shaman - eBook
This particular book has been on my to read list since the spring so I was glad that it worked for this months prompt.

The heroine, (yes, strong, female, my favorite type), is an odd mix of black Irish and native Indian. These both have strong mythologies and the heroines straddles both of them as does the story.

From page one I was engaged in the story, so much so that I read it in one day. I simply could not stop!

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Moments

I feel all fidgity and tired at the same time and I don't think it is the fault of the gelato. I was babysitting this morning for a few hours then had to mail out some letters. I bought ice cream and the bus was taking too long to come so I walked home.

I feel like I should work on some of the swaps I have coming up but nothing is due for a week and it only takes a few hours to make something suitable. At the same time my bed is calling my name.

Think I will lay down for a bit even though it is nearly 4 pm. Maybe I'll feel better afterwards

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Mental Struggles

Have you ever had a memory or a thought take up residence in your mind and refuse to go away?

I am having such a struggle with myself at the moment. The worst thing is that it is a matter of jealousy and anger.

I love my husband but he is a wuss where his brother is concerned, (sorry hon but it's true), and that has caused some friction between us on occasion. Since their mother came to live with them I have refused to spend my usual week a month at his place. It was only a few days ago that I figured out why.

When I moved to be closer to my job it appeared that I had left my husband but I hadn't not really we just took a small breather. When I came back I did not feel like I belonged there, not really, and it only got worse which is why I jumped at the chance to leave a second time.

I made a simple request a room where I could do my crafts. I need natural light and I put forward two options, the spare room or the day room. Both of these were vetoed by his brother and I ended up in a dark basement room surrounded by computer bits.

It hurt me really badly that he refused to fight for what I needed instead of bowing to his brother. Now that his mother is there she has all the things I needed. A room of her own to do with as she pleases and a bedroom. OK I didn't want a bedroom of my own but the other, I needed it.

It is kind of pathetic but I feel a little jealous because she is sure of her place in the house and in their lives, I have not been sure of anything for a long time. I also worry what she thinks of my arrangement with Rob, it is the opposite to what she had with her husband.

Anger and jealousy can make fools of us all I guess. I want to be brave but I am not sure I have it in me.