Friday, June 10, 2016

What do I want my life to look like in the future?

I want to wake up and be glad to see the new day.

I want to go about my chores, if not without pain and effort, at least three times a week

I want to rededicate myself to Gaia and spend half an hour each day in her presence

I want to finish the old projects before I consider new ones

I want to keep all my senses and spend time each day using them all

I want to be able to spend time with others and not feel overwhelmed or tired out afterwards

I want the shower to be a daily friend instead of a necessity when I can't stand my own stink any more

I want to find happiness in sunlight, children's laughter and a million other things.

I want to share hugs with everyone I meet

I want to share laughter and music with my near and dearest

I want to have a light heart and a less burdened mind

I want to dance openly and freely without the accompanying fear and without the anxiety that always comes after it now.


Among these 12 wishes there is a theme; that theme simply put is the longing I feel to experience joy like I did as a child. I may never be rid of the body pain I feel every day but god willing I can find a way to turn the chemical tide in my brain so that I may feel  something approaching joy in life again.

You would think that constant low levels of depression would not rob the world of that much colour and light. All I can tell you is that after 44 years of dysthymia the world seems full of grey all the time. There is a constant blanket of fog in my head that blocks all my senses from experiencing the world as the place of wonder it is.

Anti-depressives help a little and when I take them the B50 helps a little more but I would love to find something that increases the serotonin levels in my brain to a level approaching normal or even child like.

Today perhaps if I can summon enough desire I will research this.