Thursday, December 31, 2015

New Years Eve 2015- Part 2 Future Dreams

What will my life look like on December 31, 2016?

I am different now, I have managed to lay to rest most of my mental issues and though the depression is present it has entered a minimal ie barely present stage due to some extremely hard work I did at the beginning of the year.

I have decided to embrace life and with that decision I have begun to take better care of myself and the weight is gradually going away as I spend more time walking and socializing with my peers.

I have learned to give people the benefit of a doubt though earning my trust is still difficult as I am still working on that.

I have finished both quilts and they now grace my bed.

I have completed all of my DIY furniture makeovers and my home is cozy and reflects me.

My word for 2016 is TRUST
Trust in myself, trust in others, and trust in the great spirit.


New Years Eve 2015 - Part 1 Retrospective

So... here we are at the end of another year. Time for a bit of a retrospective.

I have learned the basics of belly dance and danced for the Professor a couple of times.
I took a few classes and I can say I have the basics but I never danced for the Professor. I found that it took me two weeks to recover from each hour long session so though I signed up for twelve weeks I only ended up going three times. I love the dance I just don't have the energy to do it properly

My diabetes is under control
I take Metforman and I eat properly but I have a very strong sugar addiction and I regularly find myself waking up with a sugar hangover. I have been trying to find an alternative but fresh fruit is expensive and those sugar substitutes just don't do it for me

I have reached 180lbs because of a more physically active lifestyle and this has helped with both the diabetes and the fibro.
Sadly just the opposite is true, I did make it down to 224 but am back up to 250 and after the disaster around the belly dancing I kinda gave up and have become very sedentary. I had a dog for a little while during the summer and that helped but I gave her away cause I was tired all the time, Early mornings and late nights were taking their toll

The depression is also decreased in strength because of the cognitive therapy I began at the beginning of the year.
I don't remember if I actually did this or not. Since I don't remember that means I didn't do much. The depression grew bad enough that the doctor doubled my Buproprion this month to see if that would help. It seems to be, at least the black clouds have parted enough that I can actually discuss the thoughts causing them

I have a regular sleep routine in place and have noticed some improvements in my thought processes as well as more relaxation in my body
When I was following the routine to the letter this was true but for the last few weeks I have been sleeping a lot more. I associate green christmases with death and this year was the greenest christmas I have ever experienced. The first death that I am aware of was my father-in-law and while I wish I could have spared my husband this it is not my choice to make.

My word for 2015 is Focus. It is my intention to focus on becoming more physically active this year because it causes improvement in so many different areas.
What I hoped for and what I got were two very different things, my life this year has focused on my continued ill health and putting many of my monsters to bed. I have reached the ripe age of 55 and I am seeing the world in a different way that I used to. But then the word works for you in the way you need it not the way you want it to.


2015 was a year of joy and sorrow. I connected with a few old friends. I was able to finally tell my ex-husband why our marriage broke up. I reconnected with my son and met his fourth child only days after her birth. Living on my own in a place I didn't have to share turned out to be OK and until recently I didn't mind being by myself so much. Since my birthday that has changed a little but I still prefer my own company to others. I am learning about trusting others but it is slow going after a lifetime of being an untrusting loner. Even my current husband does not have my complete trust but I trust him more than I trust anyone else even my own children.

Perhaps that should be my word for 2016, Trust, it is the one thing I need to learn of that I am certain.

2015 my father-in-laws death took us by surprise as none of us had any idea he was sick. His death may have been the catalyst the Professor needed to start taking care of himself, I hope so. If he does then I will become more careful as well. 2015 was not a good blogging year for me but you know that. I figure none of you actually read this anymore cause the updates have been few and far between.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Sept 27 2015

I am so bored right now but strangely not bored enough to get up from this chair and do something besides read (love, love the Ontario Library Reserve Download Centre). Its not like I lack for projects, if anything I have far too many its more a lack of motivation, uhm not quite the word I'm looking for but close enough. Motorvation... energy no definitely not energy I'm bored cause I got energy that needs channeled...

Ah well... I have been busy. I created fire and decided on the songs of my life. Created and filled some new Pinterest boards. Started Quiet/ Busy books for my grandsons. Began to tear apart a couple of palettes to use with other things I have here to make a sofa for my living space. Made a night stand from cola bottles, aquarium stone and an ikea table top. Cleaned my room.

A small sampling of what I've been doing only typical me I forgot to take photos well except for the ones you'll find in my Pintrest journal.


Monday, September 7, 2015

Gratitudes for Sept 1 - 9


  1. 3 gifts of summer: spending time with my family; blue skies; music in the air
  2. 3 gifts cut: lilies; a finished collage page; my hair to ease the heat
  3. a gift cool, warm, sun-soaked: having a picnic at Riverside Zoo
  4. 3 gifts of Autumn: leaves red & orange & yellow like flowers on the ground; the kids go back to school; harvest fairs
  5. 3 gifts growing; my determination to lose weight; my puppy finally reaching a calmer stage of life; fall grasses in the courtyard
  6. 3 gifts yellow: late dandelions; golden wild wheat; fall leaves
  7. 3 gifts given: babysitting time for my daughter while she undergoes surgery and recovery; money to tide my family over; art time with my grandsons
  8. a gift made, masked, marveled: my husband helping out my nieces without complaint
  9. 3 gifts framed: art work my grand-daughter made for me; photos from my trip to Niagara Falls; a collage I was inspired to make.
Now technically each of these should be accompanied by a photo but I have not been taking many photos lately plus a lot of these are intangible gifts.


Sunday, September 6, 2015

Sept 9, 2015

Lots of challenges in my September to do at Pinterest including some art  & photo challenges although my main focus is going to be on making a fashion doll represent fire and the planning & creation of a couple of quiet books for my grandsons for Christmas.
Fire doll stage 1

I have a new blog I hope to launch in January about the Seven Dimensions of Wellness in an attempt to get some wellness for myself.

These past few years have been spent adjusting to the loss of my dad and my previously very healthy self. I feel I have spent enough time in this emotional place I really want to learn to love life again. In the process maybe I'll beat the odds and my death won't occur during my 55th year which is what a certain doctor predicted if I didn't get a handle on my obesity.

I spend a lot of time on Pinterest seeking inspiration but it seems to me I have to actively pursue it by actually trying some of the pins I've chosen and reading some of the articles.

Cinnamon @ 6 months
One of the new things in my life that has me moving more is a JUG names Cinnamon. This is Cinnamon, she is a Jack Russell Terrier / Pug cross. What this means is that she has a lot of energy which requires channeling and as her owner it is my responsibility to do that. This in turns means I got to get outside 4x a day for at least 15 min each time. Eventually I think I may end up running with her but for now I let her run while I walk a little way off.

Carmel and Lucky have adapted to her though it was touch and go there for a couple of weeks. Speaking of Lucky and Carmel they are nearly the same size as Cinnamon now.

For my birthday I will be adding one more cat to the mix a tuxedo cat I have named Astral, she is sister to Carmel or at least half sister as they have the same mom. After that I think I will have reached my pet limit.
Carmel
Lucky
My daughter has finally gotten her heart issue fixed so hopefully life will get better for her and her family. That is one of the reasons I am publishing this on the 6th instead of the first, I have been helping out during her recovery period.

No promises but I am going to try to start writing more often in here and thanks to those of you still reading me.



Thursday, April 23, 2015

Goodness Me

I am looking out my window at snow in April. Not that snow is unusual in April here but I was just getting to think Spring was here.

The Change in weather has one benefit it has kick-started my creativity. I spent yesterday making art.

It started out with this:

and ended with this:


You  can see the rest of my work in my Art Journal on Pinterest

Sunday, April 19, 2015

My brain shouts at me

It shouts and shouts but when I try to write down what it is saying my brain gets all foggy. So is it my brain trying to drive me insane or a self protection thing. I honestly don't know. My brain is a curious thing full of plans and ideas that my body seems unable to follow through on.

OK that probably not fair to my body, all actions are controlled by the brain this is a scientific fact. Without those neurons firing we would be useless lumps of flesh actually less than that because those neurons are also keep our heart and lungs working. Which means if those basic neurons don't fire we are dead. Anyway back to my rant.

Tons of ideas, the ability and supplies to make them happen and I sit in front of my computer reading or pinning or playing games.

For this week my goals are to avoid Macs and to spend money only on cat litter and maybe a few groceries, no Coke Zero or sweet anything except what I can make at home.

Last week they were to avoid Macs and make it to all of my appointments which I did. A big thumbs up for me.

See my mind has dragged me away from the original subject, what it shouts at me and why.

What it shouts at me is simple: I am in too much pain to move much. Even though I know that moving might help decrease the pain. I can't just get up and do it for some reason possibly to do with depression I just can't move. It shouts and I am frozen in my seat.

On top of all this whatever is causing the irritation has me wanting to throw my cats off the balcony cause they can't seem to stay away from my plants. Perhaps I have a touch of Spring fever and it is affecting me adversely, maybe.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Environment - Self Care


Comfort, Affirmation & Rejuvenation

As women we have a hard time giving these to ourselves. It is easy to tell ourselves, " I don't need a hug, or a morale boost or even just a rest, I need to look after everyone else" Most of us do this at least in my generation. I am one of the children born at the end of the baby boom though as a child of boomers I was only one of five instead of one of a dozen.

The antiquated notion that mothers are there to provide comfort to their children and husband is still strong. I had never heard of self- care until about a decade ago and I was well into my 40's by then.

So how do you give yourself comfort?

Well giving yourself a hug isn't as much fun as getting one from a loved one but unless you are willing to ask for it, hugging yourself is the best you can do.

Slipping into a hot bubble bath with a book gives comfort and allows a certain amount of rejuvenation

Comfort is also about little things, that worn sweater that you swear is warmer than anything else you own; the bunny slippers your children or grandchildren gave you; a favorite book and a nice cuppa is also good for comfort and the space you take to enjoy them allows some rejuvenation.

Affirmation is a declaration of self worth and comes in many forms. The classic "good job" and a pat on the back is a big affirmation but sometimes you need more than that. I collect affirmations at Pinterest. 

" I AM WORTH IT"


Simple, straight forward  and powerful. What ever your it is you deserve it. Mind you it has to be positive and I know sometimes it is real hard to find the silver lining but it is there. The power of I AM should not ever be dismissed, They are two of the most powerful words in the world because what comes after them comes true.

If you say I am fat, then you will be fat, if you say I am fit, then you will be fit. It may take awhile for either of these things to come true but every time you say I am fit, you are reinforcing it in your brain and eventually you will begin to find yourself getting fitter cause your mind will be pushing the button "get up and go". We all know the more you move around the healthier you will become!

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Poems of the week

Place Poem

Peterborough
Lift-locks
Jackson Creek
Little Lake
Retirement Haven
Seven Hills
Walking Trails


I Remember Poems

I remember my mother
I remember her aloofness
I remember her patience
I remember the beating she gave me
and the reason why



Sunday, April 12, 2015

WORLD CREATIVITY AND INNOVATION WEEK APRIL 15 – 21

Wouldn’t it be great if everyone had the strength, resources, and social and emotional support to navigate life’s challenges?
That's the purpose behind World Creativity and Innovation Week (WCIW) April 15 - 21. Founded in 2001, people in over 50 countries in businesses, schools, associations, organizations and communities celebrate every year.
WCIW is a time to encourage people to use their creativity to make the world a better place and to make their place in the world better too.
WCIW is a time to inspire new action, create novel ideas, make new decisions.
WCIW is a time to educate, engage, celebrate and open doors that help people experience freedom from suffering and open up to new worlds of what's possible.
Please join with us - honour and embrace creativity and innovation during World Creativity and Innovation Week April 15 - 21.
WCIW is a do-it-yourself event - it happens where ever you are.

Think on it what would you do to nurture your creativity this week.  If you check this week on my pinterest you will see that my major project this week is planting the seeds for my garden.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Physical Health - Exercise


I have paid for a membership to the gym in my building. Its only $10 a month and I get unrestricted use of the space. There are two reasons I wanted the membership. They have hand-weights and they have a treadmill. Both of these are things I have wished to have at home but can't afford.


I have been looking through my collection of physical activities and have chosen a couple of different sets. To take the pressure off myself I am no longer trying to lose weight, I got rid of the initial 10 lbs if I lose more great if not it is not a waste because I will be making myself healthy

You will find this one and several others on Pinterest. Its to strengthen and tone my arms. It will be the first routine I will be doing along with a warm up & cool down stretch routine and 5 min to start on the treadmill.

On a related note the web site these plans came from is called Workout Labs and they have a dozen or so pre-made plans as well as the option to put together your own. All of the ones on my board were made by others and I am using them to help me build a template for a exercise routine I can handle.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Completed Poetry Homework



List Poem:
Television plays "The Matrix"
Husband watches intently
I watch the garden

Good Poem/Bad Poem:
The flowers drink the rain
The rain that makes mud
The mud is used for face mask
Yet a mask can hide many things
Tercet:
My lilac is in bud
The yard is full of mud
Spring has arrived

Concrete Poetry:
Cinquain:
Spring
life returning
cleaning, planting
Brightening the world
Rebirth
Couplet:
Pretty, pretty daffodil
Sitting on my window sill

















Monday, April 6, 2015

That Voice

The voice in my head gets so loud sometimes it is all I can hear. The voice that says: "Life isn't worth it; Give up; Give in ; End it all; Why do you bother?.

I fight of course I f do, I've been fighting it since I was f 11. 44 years of not letting it push me to the final place because I don't want to leave my family that kind of memory of myself. But sometimes like since mid-Jan of this year it gets hard.

I do not cry, my mother always told me crying doesn't solve the problem and I agree with her but some days the tears are in my throat and they really want to come out. I don't let them. I try to write them away. Usually in my journal or here sometimes in dismal poetry or art work. I have a whole collection of my artwork that is on the dark side from other bouts of dealing with this dythymia.

Cute word that means ongoing crippling depression with no known cure. Or as the doctors say a low-level constant depression that has lasted longer that 5 years caused by the bodies inability to manufacture sufficient serotonin.

I think that is how the doctor phrased it when she told me why I had never experienced real joy and fought constant thoughts of suicide. Even exercise doesn't produce enough to make up the shortfall.
Nothing does and when it gets to it's current level it is really hard to get back to ... well my normal.

I keep busy reading, writing, drawing even watching movies sometimes to take myself out of the funnel but it takes a lot of work and I just get tired.


Above is the first page I did this month. April is supposed to be about renewal. All I saw was the rain.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Checkin in

I love Chris Dean, reading her stuff has helped me through some rough spots so what do I do ... the first time I write her I say Hi Dean instead of Hi Chris and didn't even noticed I had made the mistake. Talk about embarrassed so Chris if you read this I am sorry.

On a lighter note I spend some time with my grandsons over the last couple of days. Friday we did Easter egg colouring

Then yesterday we went to the local garden show, ( reminder to self next time leave everyone else at home), I didn't get to look or buy anything but I did manage to procure some help and some ideas. The boys were far more interested in getting their spring bikes. They each got one of these, a Huffy Spiderman bike.

I was ready for a nap after that but then The Professor took me to a nice little restaurant called  "Village of Thai" not far from my place and we had a delicious Golden Curry for lunch.


We are planning to go back again to try their green curry. I had never been before and I got to say I'm glad we went.

Today we are headed to my daughters for Easter dinner and then to Toronto later tonight to do a bit of a spring cleaning at the professors. I am going to need a week to recover after all this excitement.



Thursday, April 2, 2015

Poetry forms for this week

Couplet
 I have a headache
For Pete's sake

I know kinda lame but those were the first lines in my head. Will add the other four as I do them.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

April Challenges

Image heavy so may be slow to load. Below is my list of 30 day challenges I am attempting to complete this month some will appear in my art journal and photo album at Pinterest. Others will be on Letters or on  Writing Journal. I may even end up putting a few at Creative Indulgences.

NaBloPoMo April 2015 
Week 14, 15, 16, 17 & 18 I think for April.


April Schedule

Now that the complaining is done lets  look at the plans for April.
Week   Home               Self    Public
Week 1
Mar 29-Apr 4

Food Prep- portioning
and freezing

Get Adequate
sleep

AON re Gym

Week 2
Apr 5-Apr 11
At Robs- cleaning
garage & office
Journal Challenges
NaBloPoMo
Easter dinner with
daughter

Week 3
Apr 12-Apr 18
Spring cleaningUnconditional
Dancing
Contact Activity Haven-
sign up for a couple of classes

Week 4
Apr 19-Apr 25 
Begin planting gardensSpend some time in
Nature


Week 5
Apr 26-Jun 2

Menus & meal
planning for June




As you can see there are a few blank spaces but after contacting Activity Haven I expect the Public section to get a little busier. The self care bit is harder but I think I'll manage alright. The to do list is a lot longer but these are the must do's this month.

Bloody hell - Excuse my English!

I am frustrated beyond belief right now ... at myself. I set myself  three small goals this year. Learn to belly dance, Lose 52 lbs and  Quit chewing my nails.

As of today I am back at 220 lbs, my practice has been sporadic to say the least and  though a bit longer my nails are still getting chewed. Granted it is only April but that means a full 1/4 of the year is gone. I was supposed to be at 202 lbs by now 12 weeks into the year instead of having gained back the 6 lbs I thought were gone for good. I had actually made it down to 214 just before Christmas.

I have a fairly clear idea of what happened, February. Remember how hyped I was in my last entry well all of that fell away. Two weeks of snow storms had me fortifying myself with Carmel squares and ice cream. Ice cream especially is my kryptonite since it was ice cream that started the weight gain to begin with way back in my 20's and every time I eat it now the weight comes back quick.

With summer coming that particular temptation is only going to get worse which is why this month I want to experiment with natural flavouring for water. I found several links over at Pinterest like this apple slice spa water. Its about replacing pop/soda with water and how to make water more interesting to drink. That is one strategy I'm working on. There are a couple of others like paying attention to portions and eating at regularly scheduled times.

I am also trying to make sure I exercise on a consistent basis but that is not going very well. I am going to talk to my landlords about getting access to the gym downstairs and making that a regular thing. Wish me luck

Friday, February 6, 2015

Collective Knowledge

Defined: 
  1. Collective wisdom, also called group wisdom and co-intelligence, is  shared knowledge arrived at by individuals and groups. Collective intelligence, which is sometimes used synonymous with collective wisdom, is more of a shared decision process than collective wisdom.
  2. Shared knowledge: We all share some common behaviours that are bred deep in our bones Foremost of these in my thinking is the fight, flight or freeze behaviour. This behaviour occurs around the world and is one of our basic survival traits. It is what got us to the point of having enough power to destroy our world completely.
  3. This behaviour is now blamed for our overwhelming number of mass murders and suicides (imo). We destroy our planet and each other in order to control our fear but as the environment and quality of life deteriorate so our fear grows. This creates a vicious circle that can only lead to global disaster and a near extinction of our species unless we can channel our fear into some sort of positive action.
  4. It is my belief that that knowledge is available to us if we would but make our selves be still and listen to the collective knowledge of every human being on the planet and acting on it. But first we must learn to automatically freeze when fear strikes, not run and not fight.
  5. I will be exploring how this may be done and will share it when I have some ideas.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Explore and Express Your Individual Self

What makes your soul shine?

For me it has been writing for a long time. The other day I was fooling around on Pinterest and did two amazing (to me) things. I did a Full Moon Dream Board and everything I chose for it pointed to writing and self publishing something. 

The second amazing thing I did was create seven boards based on something I found while surfing one day. The Center of Wellness for Urban Women, Inc. is a place in Indianapolis, In. that has a bunch of programs for the local women. 

One of their main pages outlines what a healthy mature lifestyle should look like. They have a program called "Seven Days Of Wellness" which lead me to decide how I would write this series. I already had added a pin to all but one of the boards, which gave me a few ideas on what to write first.

My point is that if I had not done those two amazing things I would still be sitting around bored and not filled with a little spiritual light. Now ask yourself what is calling to you? Maybe you too will find what makes your soul shine.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

January is Organize and Reduce Month


I have spent most of January trying to get a sleep routine in place as well as organize my new home and life. It is a lot harder to do than I thought it would be. Still ...

I found these cool clear boxes at a local Dollarama. They kinda match my ottoman so I decided to get them and use them as storage.

The ottoman I made

Peace baby

love the hearts
The house box is a gift box from my grand-daughter I use it for storage and to remind me that christmas giving should be all year long. The pink plastic envelopes I picked up at a place called Smart Maple in Toronto. When I saw the boxes with the hearts and the ones with the peace signs at dollarama I was in love. I hope when I get back there there will still be some available. Gotta wait a week til I get paid. 

I haven't made much progress on the reduce side of things but I am working on it. The other thing I began to learn about this month is Chakras.  One of the things on my list of things to do this year is to find out more about them and try healing them to see if it really does help. This month I am working on the Root Chakra. I plan to study one chakra a month (there are seven) then spend the remaining 5 months maintaining them to assess if I have improved my body and mind any.

Hope your January is going well.


Thursday, January 8, 2015

News and Views

With the onset of colder than cold winter temperatures I have been experiencing a fibro flare up. Last year it was confined to my back this year it is back, both arms, and both legs. Not fun! On top of that though it is only January I have already entered into the winter blues, I dread what February will bring. On one of the blogs I read regularly another Fibro sufferer has declared a one day pity party for those of us with "chronically illin’ bodies". 


I'm all for that, mind you it means back to the daily grind tomorrow which is not so great. Still that is life for the chronically ill.

In other news my baby sister is moving out of town. She is as scared to death as I was. The idea of being 44 and starting to build a life from scratch is terrifying. I know she will do fine she just has to believe in herself and her own abilities. I am helping as much as I can because she needs to do this. I am glad she is getting to experience life outside of Peterborough. I am going to miss her though cause she is the only sibling I spend any time with.

Of course due to the flare up I have not had much energy to follow through on the belly dance class but since I'm doing it online it will wait until I am able to do it. I found a lot of free classes online specifically aimed at the beginner so I have lots of options I just really like the layout of the one above.

I have not had much luck with the sleeping schedule thing. I go to bed at the right time but I keep sleeping in. I am hoping it adjusts itself to a good rhythm once I am all caught up. I miss dreaming. Sleep is the habit I want to work on this month. Next month maybe something else maybe the same thing depending how well I do on establishing a good sleep schedule.


Thursday, January 1, 2015

Jan 1, 2015

Greetings to all. Here's hoping your 2015 will be a great year!

This is what my year looks like right now but we all know how that can change and how quickly it can change. As indicated my word for 2015 is one a lot of people used last year : FOCUS.

I will be trying to establish a bedtime and wake up routine over the next few days so that I can have a healthier sleep pattern. I already have some things I do every night and some things I do every morning but I want to add a couple of more things . It may seem silly to be adding things to a routine but the getting ready for bed one needs to be codified and there are a couple of things I want to do first thing in the morning that I need to practice.

The weight loss one is still doctors orders. During my check-up last month he called me a diabetic. Before then it had only been warnings but it is now a confirmed diagnosis. At 5 feet 1/4 inch I need to loose a lot of weight to get into the healthy range but if I can reach that range the diabetes and possibly the fibro will be mitigated. That is my hope at least.