Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Wednesday Again

It seems that I am always super busy and tired on Wednesday I need to shift into teacher mode and sometimes I just don't have the energy.

Ahh Teacher mode, GS #2 doesn't have day care Tues, Wed or Thur so I spend part of the day teaching him what he needs to know for school in September. Though honestly I didn't think toilet training would be part of it. I figured he would learn it at day care like his brother did.

Right now all I can do is model the behaviour, he hasn't completed the connection between his body and the action yet. He does try though and he goes through the motions he just hasn't been able to expel urine voluntarily or more likely consciously. Mind you I haven't spent a day or so sitting him on the toilet so he could make the connection. I will have to do that soon. I would like to have him out of diapers by his 4th birthday in May.

With the wedding in June watching him & his brother would be much more enjoyable without the diaper changing. It would also greatly expand our choices of entertainment too. I think I may schedule that one day soon. For today I will probably be using Netflix Kids for the school part. It keeps him busy and gives me time to play


Friday, February 21, 2014

Not Awake

'k lame title but even after a large Tim's I'm still blurry eyed and feelin' run down. I've been finding it hard to sleep through the night even with the mask especially when my legs begin to jump around 4 AM.

I have restless leg syndrome, I inherited it from my father but the medication I'm on takes it to a whole new level, sometimes causing my whole body to jerk. Talk about a rude awakening at 4 AM, my whole body will tense then release like I'm trying to jump out of my skin. Then follow that by half an hour of both legs tensing and releasing at the same time. Sometimes I'll manage to drift off only to have another jump wake me up again. It makes for very choppy sleep, which is why I'm feeling so tired this morning and require a nap most afternoons.

It is just one more added ache to the one in my knees and shoulders and back and this morning in my head too. If I were to do a complete run down of the pain I feel this morning my whole body would be included I think even my eyes and cheeks. Anyway I wanted to share a couple of art pieces I did recently just cause I want to show what else you can do with a scrapbook kit if you set your mind to it.

Beauty is a state of mind
The woman is a poser but everything else came from a scrapbook kit

Mermaid Dance



Saturday, February 15, 2014

Distress

I find my mind going down the paths that all depressives know to be on the look for. The one that starts out , "I'm so tired of this I just want it to end" and gets progressively worse. Granted there is an underlayer of my mind that is always wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up again but my conciousness of this does not impinge on my ability to continue to do my daily tasks.

Tonight though I found that that underlayer was rising and making itself heard in my awake mind. I do not even know what triggered it. A smell maybe... or more likely an image.

I have dishes piled up on my floor, not a lot but certainly a weeks worth for one person, dishes I know need to get done. Some of then have been sitting there for over a month. I could wash them in the bathroom but I keep putting it off. The smell of spoilage is becoming quite strong in that corner of my room.

The pile of dishes joined another pattern in my mind, the fact that though I have everything I need for cooking I just can't bring myself to do much more than throw some noodles, frozen veggies and what ever leftover protein I've scrounged from my daughter into a pot and call it supper. I use to be a good cook but I just don't have the interest or the energy to make a meal just for me.

Tonight I found myself wondering why I bother to eat at all. I found myself wishing I could get drunk so my body would decay faster. I found myself wondering how I could get myself frozen to death. And finally I considered the pills option. No I did not act on any of them, when I recognized what was happening I distracted myself. I've become pretty good at pulling myself back from the brink, I've had forty years to get good at it.

In pulling myself back from the brink though I looked at several things that have been bugging me. The Professor told me in no uncertain terms that he and I would never live as a couple again. He has told me before but then I see him and he hugs me or gives me a peck or holds my hand and I allow myself to hope again. I do not know why I allow this state of affairs to continue, probably because the thought of going hunting for  a new partner is not something I want to do. I know I don't need a partner in my life but some part of me feels as if I need that human contact, that special bond between couples.

In thinking about it it occurred to me that I should switch out this queen size bed for a single, that way the temptation to cuddle with him while I sleep would be gone.

From there my mind went to my friend who has also been going through a rough patch but I'm feeling as if she has abandoned me. I really need a female friend I can talk to and share things with but I need them to be there for me as much as I'm there for them and it just doesn't feel like we are connecting at that level. Meanwhile maybe it's time to try and lose myself in a bottle of whisky or something. Sigh, that makes me feel so sad that I would even consider going back to that period in my life. I was a right mess before I was able to quit.

From there I am not sure where my mind went, I get glimpses from a life that hasn't been mine for 20 years, I see the moments that formed me and wonder if I chose the right path. It is like the recurring thought I have about going off the grid and living as self-sufficiently as possible. It would mean leaving electricity behind along with all of the things that depend on electricity to run. I think about it but I wonder would I be able to...I live in my daughters house and I feel like I'm barely surviving what would it be like if there was only me to look after me.

The thoughts that swirl in my head make me tired but they also prevent me from sleeping and always the thought repeats...what is the point? why am I still here? What possible use am I to me and mine or the world at large?

I'm just a waste of space a fifty-three year old women without hope, without prospects who lives with mental and physical pain every day. why am I still bothering to keep breathing?

And with that thought I think I need to distract myself somehow. Farmville 2 probably.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Happy Valentines Day/ Happy Chocolate Day

It is a damn shame there isn't a day celebrating middle-age females, I would love a holiday just for me that didn't include some role I play like wife or mother or grandmother.

I would call it something fantastical like Freedom Day or Joy Day or maybe Power to Be Day. OK maybe that is a bit optimistic considering how much time I spend fighting the chains of depression, On the other hand it would certainly free me for that day as it would be a positive burst of energy.

OK I'm not sure if I'm making sense today my brain is full of fog. It is the first time in a long time that my brain has been so muddled and foggy. It's like floating in a pool of greyness but it is a pool that seems endless and I can't see anyone or anything else except the fog that surrounds me.

Yes I know I am repeating something I have said time and time again. It should be better by now, I should be able to do things without chains tying me down. Or mental barriers that have no basis in the real world holding me back. A lot of shoulds, I keep asking myself why? Why is it that something I find is hard to do is something that is supposed to be easy?

OK time to call it quits for now. I just had to rewrite that whole question because the way I'd written it made no sense whatsoever

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Feb 13, 2014 - Checking in

I am sorry to those who read me I have been busy, between teaching my GS#2 and travelling a bit.

The planning takes a lot of work sometimes but the days I spent in Quebec City and Montreal were fun and interesting. I really want to go back again in the spring to do some more exploring but I don't think that will happen this year.

In March we are spending a weekend at Great Wolf Lodge to celebrate GD#1 making the honour roll. We also plan on visiting Chinatown in Toronto during this time. GD#1 wants to see a real Chinatown and I need to find some ink for brush painting plus getting a couple of more brushes.

Nothing is planned for April.

May is GS#2's 4th birthday, if it is warm enough I want to take him to the local zoo

In June we have a wedding on the 21st. I will be babysitting for the three days my daughter and SIL will be gone. In June is also GD#2's birthday

July is Canada Day down at Crary Park and maybe a couple of other concerts during the month,

August is my daughters 36th birthday and the Professors 47th and my SIL birthday as well though I am not Sure how old he will be.

September should be quiet with only back to school stuff to deal with but October is like August it is a month full of birthdays, almost a whole weeks worth.

November should be quiet but December is all the year end stuff like Christmas. Wow just thinking about it is giving me a headache. I am hoping to get to Toronto for another week in October but I don't know if it will happen.

For now I am sending GS#2 downstairs and taking a nap.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

101 in 1001 Day 872

After careful consideration I have decided to discontinue this challenge effective today. Over the next few days I will be considering my options and deciding rather I wish to start a new challenge with new goals or set myself some shorter time goals for a little bit as 2.75 years is just too long of a period for me to focus on these days

Turmoil

So much of my writing and art has been about the turmoil in my mind lately that I figured I'd better take a closer look at why it is happening especially with my word for the year foremost in my mind. I have expectations of myself and others do too, however what happens when those expectations clash or are seemingly total opposites of each other.
It is so hard to put into words this feeling of being frozen in place, frozen in fear. I have tried to make sense of it,  well no...not exactly, I begin to think about it, then I feel down and then I feel tired, then I sleep leaving the conflict unresolved once again. The next day I do it all over again. I can't even say I make progress because it doesn't feel like I'm getting any closer to solving the riddle.
I have been told a thousand times in my life to. "just do it", what ever the it may be. I can't. Now some of you are going to be saying can't or won't? That is my quandary, can't means incapable of performing a certain task, won't means unwilling to perform a certain task, I am not clear which one of these is controlling my actions.
In my forebrain it feels as if I am incapable of helping myself, in my backbrain though it becomes more complex. In my back brain are all the questions and excuses that there ever were for staying where I am starting with, I know this place so it is safe and I am comfortable here. OK maybe not comfortable if you equate comfortable with acceptance of the status quo. If I were comfortable with myself I think I would be a lot more at rest with fewer questions than I feel I am.
Even the words that I want to write are tentative. Everything about me seems tentative to me lately. With a lot of maybe's and possibly's and perhaps's. I fear that if my hold on the world becomes any more tentative I will simply float away into space. I have even considered signing myself into the psych ward for an extended period of medical intervention. Course one sure way to do that would be to attempt suicide but it seems my will to continue to exist in some form outside of bedlam is too strong to allow me that route.
I have even considered asking the doctor to sign me in for complete psych eval, at the same time I would get less food so I would lose weight, that seems like a win, win for me but I'm afraid to ask in case I'm so crazy I won't ever get out again. I do have a wedding to attend in June after all. Oh and the ODSP Tribunal in July which I don't want to miss.
Yes the Tribunal is part of what has me going round in circles. I am sure I am going to lose because while I have several issues not of the get in my way of caring for myself for basic needs like toileting and dressing myself, I am even capable of cooking and feeding myself. So what if I need someone else to go get the groceries, I decide the menu, write out the list and pay for it. I can shower even though I put it off until I have no other choice because washing myself is difficult and can be painful. So what if I can only walk for a few minutes before my knee and back begin to complain, I can still walk and am mobile without assistive devices, except maybe a cane and I don't need one I would just like one to lean on when it's really icy or my knee is in bad shape.
Right now I am at the point where I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep some more, were it not for the fact that I know that is a defense mechanism from years gone by I might even give into it but today I want to fight a little longer.
I have considered my options as I see them a dozen times and I still keep coming up short because as sure as I am that I need to change something in my life I am not sure I want to. That being said it is a old tape in my head that has been played so often it has become a part of my daily life and I need to find a way to replace the old words with new ones that will push me forward not keep me mired in muck.