Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Aug 27, 2013 9:55 AM

I have been taking a much needed break fro writing during the month of August, basically my well is dry, creativity wise. I dwell on silly things like the words of my DIL that she used to excuse the ending of a twenty-three year friendship between my son and a man know simply as Woody. "Our family had to go without because he didn't pay what he said he would pay" Our family had to go without... simple enough words but they were spoken in anger as if such a thing was sacrilige. I have gone without most of my life and it hasn't harmed me much, if anything it has made me more careful when I make a purchase instead of just buying whatever I want when I want it. It is a hard attitude to accept, I suppose because I agree with the Professor, sometimes wanting is a lot more fun than having. Perhaps because when you have it, you use it for a finite amount of time and then you get bored with it. At least that has been my experience when I run into things I've wanted for a long time, then when I have them they just sit there

My head hurts today and my eyes are not focusing well, I think I have spent far too much time staring at the monitor while playing Farmville and Farmville 2 both adictive games I found on facebook. Mind you I went back to Cafeworld last night and I just couldn't muster the enthusiasm that I used to have for it, the same thing happened when I went back to the Pioneer one, they just don't hold my interest as well as Farmville 2 does or make me want to do well on building a farm or six like Farmville does. Way too much time in both of those games especially farmville. I usually take a break when I find myself making lists and thinking about spreadsheets and databases because that tells me I have become too invested in the game.

I am having a really hard time getting my eyes to focus on the computer screen, even looking at the keyboard there are soft edges and my eyes feel sticky, I wonder if it is time to start using my glasses again. I know, I know, I am supposed to wear them for reading but I do not find them comfotable to wear for long periods of time and I spend ten or more hours a day staring at the computer screen

I do not know if I have 750 words or not, at least when I use scribefire I get a word count maybe I'll save this and open scribefire to continue writing it. It occurs to me that 750 Words stresses privacy but this is anything but, I prefer this to their site because I don't care if you see my words only that I get them out of my head

Ok that is better, I know you are probably asking why 750 words and that is basically how many words are on three hand written pages and it is a limit that has been suggested by user's of Artist's Way Morning Papers.

It seems funny but everytime my brain gets too full of nonsense I find it useful to write out Morning Pages for a few days or weeks until things have mellowed out again. Anyway I met my SIL's parents this weekend, they are Americans but they seem OK. The man is a bit of a tight ass where spending money is a concern but he seems to have a good heart and he makes super balloon animals. THe mother is also nice but she is quite manipulative I think, mind you when you need to guilt trip your husband into spending one extra thin dime for something I guess you have to be like that. She has also survived several types of Cancer which gives me a deep respect for her. His brother is an enigma, what I saw of him was quiet and withdrawn with a tendancy to ask questions out of the blue but only about things that interest him. In otherwords they would fit right in with my own relatives and they seemed like nice folks, I kept my distance because they were here to see Dean and meet his new family and I didn't want to interfere in that. Besides I was afraid my run away mouth would get me in trouble, I have a low bullshit tolerance level and the alarm bells went off nearly everytime I was in their prescense. Pure Canadian prejudice I guess. Or else I was just in a mood to beorney because I gave up my weekend away to meet these people and it didn't seem worth it.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Morning Papers

Morning thoughts are few and far between, its so early, the phone rang and I was up, not sure how awake I am, lost in the haze as the morning outside is wreathed in fog. No matter where else I have lived it is these morning fogs I've missed. mist missed mountain and stop stream of conciousness dotr of lost in the maze that is my mind, cat is going crazy this morning, Ember is his name, I got to get him fixed soon and the dog too though she is so much more expensive, I wonder how they will spend Dean's first paycheque, it is confusing being me, I don't like me much right now, I don't like me much at all and when I think on it I probably haven't for a long time, most of my life, my skin isn't white enough, nor is it red enough, my hair was never fiery enough and now it's taking forever to be pure white though given how seldom I wash it that is probably a good thing.seems like I've been talking for ever but I don't even have 200 words yet
My eyes want to close & they are all blurry, I love watching the lightening storms we get here, there have been two days worth of them this week, so tired, very tirred. I'm coughing my head off and my head is all stuffed again. Don't know what to say, don't know what to say, hey make it rhyme that's the way, work out your mind with an english word or two, Strike a pose and hold it all night long, Gods I need coffee and I'm not sure I want to drink whaat I have made, cat wants petted and so do I, lost im in a maze in my mind, running in circles like a gerbil or is that a hamster, either way, the grooves in my mind are deep enough to be ditched ditches I want to ditch, sheesh running out of words again, need my coffee yes I do, need my coffee right now
Need to take a break ergonomic my set-up ain't. Thrust and parry, my hands type but my mind is wary, hiding my true self behind a dozen walls and all are strong as steel and twic twice as thick as dirt walls would need to be if they stood ten feet tall. Why do I bother this is why because the words need an outlet and so do I. A journal is where I started and I think a journal is where it will end, my journal, this chrinicle of my stupid, endless inane life, I am seeking a way out that I can take with grace, though being two tons of blubber is a big waist of a great body even now at my heaviest if I look in a mirror I have an hourglass body just packed with a lot of fat. I want my heart to stop pumping I want my lungs to go flat, I want to lie back and end now. Am I depressed you bet but it is a mild one compared to where I was last week and the week before that. I need sleep but I don't want to go lie down just yet, the best way to do this is before I've had my coffee and before I am prepared to control my unruly mind, unruly mind, unholy mind, bloody minded, death I welcome you where are you. Sleep the endless sleep oh please let me, sleep the endless sleep. Wanna be a winner bet me that I will live lomg past my 55yh birthday. Don'r dont correct just keep going but it is so hard when my hands are so clumsy on these keys this morning, my hand eye co-ordination are  just not in sync and yet I know right away when I hit the wrong key and I want to fix it because it grated grates on me, like the d and the s I mix them up constantly at the end of words and I know it as soon as I do it, it bugs me and I want to fix it but that is not the way your supposed to do these. This is rough draft not polished prose, silver-plated for the royal tea service, I need to rest another minute and sip my coffee my muse my mu mercy me, I'm messin up big time today

Wow! I actually made it to 750 words with all that rambling.

Gratitudes
1) Thunder and lightening, natures fury I love to see and hear
2) Ground fog, only here where I grew up do you see it so often, it makes the world surreal
3) Pets, who love you no matter what you do to them, Yesterday I was missing Ceedar may he rest in peace but Ember is slowly worming his way into my heart.

Non Compos Mentis

My family would have me believe I am not in my right mind, I think I am too much in my own mind and not much in the worlds. So much of what I was taught was right seems to have fallen out of favour with the common population these days.

My eldest child would have me remain silent rather than to reach out to other people with a cheerful good morning and a smile.

She frowns every time I say hello to someone on the street and complains when her sons follow my lead. I am told not to speak to certain people because she doesn't need their drama guess it would interfere with her own.

My son would have me make appointments to see my grandchildren on a regular basis and I would have to go to them. What happen to respect for your elders? And why can't he bring them to me once in awhile?

I was taught that you come to your parents not have your parents come to you though TV commercials always show you the anxious mother who phones her child nearly every day. I am not nor have I ever been that kind of parent and I want the respect due to an elder.

My other-half thinks I am naive and easily lead by others. He also thinks I need constant instructions on how to live my life. I will grant that what he says is only a repeat of what I tell myself but that doesn't make it any better. Sometimes it feels like my parents are putting words into his mouth.

And there it is the crux of the whole thing. I want to live the way I think a person should, the way I want to live and all these other people have the common bond that they think they know what I should and shouldn't do better than I do.

In my world we are all good neighbours, I might not know your name but I will always smile and say hello and if I can help in any way I am glad to do so.

You can save a life just by noticing that there is someone there and offering them a smile and a cheerful "how are you today?"!