Friday, January 18, 2013

18/01/2013

Gratitudes: 

  •  Internet banking
  •  LYS
  •  Social Agencies
  •  Time

Affirmations:

  •   I love and approve of myself.
  • I feel the love of those who are not physically around me.
  •  I refuse to give up because I haven’t tried all possible ways.
  •  I grow into a better person from the hardship that I feel with my family.

Goals for tomorrow:

  1.  Get through the day without saying one mean thing
  2.  Take coco for an extra long walk to make up for the last few days

Today was: 

Challenging, enlightening, carefully crafted to drive me insane. I freaked out on my daughter & son-in-law last night. Money I had put aside for the insurance payment due on Feb 4 was almost gone. I was so angry because I felt that I was doing my best to keep them solvant and they messed us up even worse than we already were. It was very disheartening to see all the progress we had made in October & November destroyed. Or at least pulled off my carefully laid path

Saturday, January 12, 2013

10/01/2013

Gratitudes: 

  •  Ontario Works for many things including my present income
  •  Online banking it saves me a lot of time and effort
  •  The variety of the internet
  •  Coco

Affirmations: I don't have any today

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  •  
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Goals for tomorrow:

  1.  Get back to moving
  2.  Begin the Artist's Way

Today was:

It is Saturday...when I woke up this morning I thought it was Friday. I am not sure how I lost a day this week but obviously I have. My day was quite different from my usual Saturday. I was up at 8:30 and took coco for a walk then I watched the boys with GD#1 while their mom & dad went up to the hospital. My SIL has been feeling poorly for days but only gave in today. Turns out that he has Herpes Simplex 1 or in every day language a big coldsore infection. Since I have never know someone who didn't get cold sores once in awhile it was strange to see how sick he was.

I took GS#1 to the park today and we had a great time until he took off into some stranger's backyard and I had to chase him down. Running really tired me out and I was so slow, it bugged the heck out of me. What if next time his life is in danger and I am not fast enough to save him? If anything it has given me a spur to get even more active.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Day 486

The first thing you'll notice is that some of the numbers are blank, that is because they are complete or are no longer relevant. The ones in bold I have begun but not completed yet

  1. Make 52 dolls each from a different material and/or pattern(4)
  2. Make 365 Art Pages- fill up all three of my current art journals(50)
  3. Knit a wardrobe for my 6 fashion dolls
  4. Create a stage to display the fashion dolls on
  5. Make stage setting elements for the fashion dolls
  6. Make 4 dioramas, one for each season
  7. Craft 365 things- non-journal & non-knitted items ie cards(2)
  8. Knit 12 toys to be donated for Christmas boxes
  9. Donate blood
  10. Leave 100 inspirational quotes in books and places I go
  11. Complete a 365 day photo Challenge
  12. Find a personally inspirational quote and work it into a piece of art for my wall
  13. Dance in the rain like no one is watching
  14. Make volunteerism a regular part of life
  15. Improve my posture & balance
  16. Not log into facebook for three months
  17. Color all of the pages of a coloring book
  18. Write 52 poems in as many styles as possible(4)
  19. Make them into a chap book and place in the library
  20. Make 10 copies in a quarter size zine
  21. Give all of the zines away
  22. Take a yoga class
  23. Visit 5 different historical sites
  24. Learn meditation
  25. Learn Tai Chi
  26. Write a short story
  27. Publish it some where
  28. Define the Church of Kindness
  29. Write the Gospel of Love & Kindness 
  30. Run in a Charity run
  31. Walk in a Charity walk
  32. Stop biting my nails
  33. Run a 5k race 
  34.  Learn how to play my keyboard
  35. Learn how to drum
  36. Join a drum circle
  37. Do not turn on the computer or laptop for a whole week
  38. Put away $10 for every goal
  39. Spend it on a spa day to celebrate
  40. Get a electric bicycle
  41. Get my motorcycle license
  42. Lose 50 pounds
  43. Complete the 200 Sit-ups Challenge
  44. Make a photography portfolio 
  45. Write a children's story 
  46. Fill a sketchbook with drawings
  47. Knit a sweater for myself
  48. Blog at least once a week- (This should be done now that writing in my blog has become a daily appointment)
  49. Make a dream board (I did one on PinInterest and I have to things I need to do a couple of them in the more conventional way on paper or a bulletin board)
  50. Make 4 stuffed animals
  51. Crochet a scarf
  52. Volunteer at the Humane Society 
  53. Learn how to crochet 
  54. Go bowling 
  55. Make a playlist of my 101 favourite songs
  56. Write a list of inspirational things, one thing for each letter of the alphabet 
  57. See The Rocky Horror Picture Show on stage around Halloween
  58. Learn some basic sign language ( I started this awhile ago but lost interest, I will be going back to it in the near future)
  59. Do yoga every day for a month
  60. Learn how to ballroom dance
  61. Learn to burlesque dance 
  62. Do a word puzzle every other day
  63. Go to a poetry reading (Poetry Slam in town on the 16th of January)
  64. Go on the Maid of the Mist in Niagara Falls
  65. Get to my goal weight of 140 lbs (I have lost seven lbs since I began last November, I may be a turtle but slow and steady is definitly the way to go)
  66. Be more self confident
  67. Do the 100 pushups challenge (onehundredpushups.com)
  68. Take ballroom dancing lessons 
  69. Go bike riding on the beach
  70. Write a screenplay 
  71. Complete The Artist's Way (restart on the 13th of Jan(
  72. Enter a short story contest 
  73. Volunteer at a hospice
  74. Spend a day exploring and photographing my neighborhood
  75. Photograph a landscape from the same location, capturing all four seasons then frame them
  76. Learn to pole dance
  77. Take a hip hop dance class
  78. Learn to salsa dance
  79. Do the 200 squats challenge (www.twohundredsquats.com)
  80. Take a photograph every day  (11 days and counting)
  81.  Find a community service project to be active in 
  82.  Watch the sunrise on the beach

11/01/2013

Gratitudes:
  •  Coco Ye gods I missed that dog
  •  grandsons, they always make me laugh
  •  my own private space
  •  a SIL who is always willing to help me out even when he is sicker than a dog
Affirmations:
  •  Peace begins with me (http://www.louisehay.com/affirmations/)
  •  I choose to see my family as a gift 9http://www.prolificliving.com/blog/2012/08/27/100-positive-affirmations/)
  •  I am safe & sound (same as above)
  •  I give up the right to criticize myself (same as above)
Goals for tomorrow:
  1.  Take Coco for a long walk
  2.  Begin work on goal posters
Today was: Happy
I accomplished everything I set out to do, Coco came back home (it was a wrong judgement to let her go), the boys played in my room for awhile. I finished the dishcloth I was working on and started the first cover for the boxes the boys use as blocks to lessen the impact of sharp corners. I have magazines to begin my posters and I got my mudslide from the DQ. I didn't get much of the movement part of the day but I did go up and down the stairs several times and I took coco for a short walk

Thursday, January 10, 2013

10/01/2013

Gratitudes: 

  •  A roof over my head
  •  A warm, cozy bed
  •  Enough to eat every day
  •  Time to spend with myself

Affirmations:

  •  I have a special place in this world
  •  I am a strong woman with a beautiful body
  •  I heal my body and spirit with positivity
  •  I have the power to get up and move my body
  •  Abundance flows through me and within me
  •  There is nothing I can't do
  •  My happiness depends on me
  •  I am at peace with myself and the world around me

Goals for tomorrow:

  1.  Pick up box of magazines from a freecycle donor
  2.  Begin design of seasonal diorama
  3.  Create dream board for month

 

Today was:

That more or less sums up my day. I simply could not get myself out of bed or to even give a damn about anything. I got up around noon. Worked with the Professor for a bit on his lessons, went downstairs and made dinner than sat around knitting, or playing with the boys. I am in big pain and there is nothing much I can do about it. I am weary but I still have a few things I need to do tonight. I have given myself half an hour to sum up my day and plan tomorrow. It is part of my goal to be more consistant in my routines. That way I really do get the things I need done done. It is all well and good to have things in my head but I need to get them out of my head and into some kind of concrete form so that they are there in front of me. Two days ago I worked on the mental health stuff and now I have two appointments with agencies in town to help me address that part of my goals. I have reached a point where I am sick of being sick and while I have been here before this year I am actually moving forward. I still spend a lot of time planning what I am going to do but I also spend a lot of time doing what I say I need to do, like the phone calls. I think I will be going to bed early tonight. I only have 15 minutes left before I need to move onto SparkPeople so I don't have much more to say. I have been looking through my old favorites list looking for a specific site that I remember but can't find that had a daily list of scrapbook images and kits that were available free online. I am sure very little is free these days but I want to see if it still exists. The affirmations are from a blog called All Women Stalk

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

09/01/2013

Today I am supposed to walk to the library with my sister but all I really want to do is go back to bed and sleep some more. I know that is counter-productive and not only that but it goes against my goal of losing a pound a week but I'm feeling like 'What's the use'. I ate a whole bag of Bar-B-Q Ruffle chips last night. I know one slip is not reason enough to throw in the towel and I won't not really I'm just tired. My own fault for staying up until 1 AM to watch Fringe on NetFlix.

I am very tiredI think I may go back to sleep soon. The fact that it appears to be a grey day out there isn't helping my mood any either. On top of that I just found out my bank acount was overdrafted because communication between PayPal and my bank is not instantaneous like it used to be which caused me to overdraft. I hate when my bank account goes in the red and do my best to avoid that but with both Nessa & I using my bank account keeping track of what is there is becoming more difficult.

I am so tired. Those four words keep echoing around in my head almost like a mantra but who wants that as a mantra, I would prefer to think I am rarin' to go except that that is not currently true and it seems that while my perceptions may be sckewed a bit I am not willing to lie in order to make something be tru.

I really need to go lie down!

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

08/01/2013

Who knew that actually seeking help would be so difficult. I have been making calls to arrange for counselling and other things associated with my goal of mental health and I feel like crying. I did not expect it to be so hard to actually talk about out loud. As you may guess I have mainly been writing about the sexual abuse and the fibromyalgia, and the depression not actually talking to other people . I am crying inside, my head is pounding and my eyes are filled with tears I am not willing to shed. Crying solves nothing action gets things done. Except that the action has been harder than I expected.

The first step the phone calls are almost done. I have one more to make and then all of the mental heath calls will be made, I had to stop because I was getting more and more upset for no reason except that I was asking for help and talking about things I had been taught were better left unsaid. I keep hearing my mother when I talked to CAS about my uncle abusing my daughter. When she found out she said "We don't air our dirty laundry in public" which basically means that she was aware of what my uncle had done not only to me and my daughter but my brothers and sisters too and she refused to find help for us to deal with it as I guess she had been refused.

Monday, January 7, 2013

07/01/2013

I was just thinking about my online prescense... I wonder how many times my name and personal data are out there on the air waves... I wonder just how many different sites I have signed up to .... I wonder if you looked me up how many hits you would get?

It is a little scary to think that I've been online for nearly two decades. As of this year in June I will have had a computer for 20 years and I was online within the first week of having one. It explains why computers and the world wide web are entwined in my head and I can't imagine one without the other. In a way though I suppose that describes all of us born in the 60's & 70's, we are very much a cross-over generation. The link between the baby boomers and generation X.

Awhile ago I was thinking that I am the tail-end of the baby-boomers but I wonder if that is not reserved for those born in the 50's. I find myself different from the people who are a decade older that me, hell I find myself different from the ones born in 1959 in some respects even though those are the ones I went to school with. It is a conumdrum. 

I suppose I am not too different from my peers in that I have reached fifty-two and I am as comfortable in front of a computer as I am in front of a TV. 

I think I may have found a walking partner though she can't walk nearly as well as I can cause she has problems with her knees, still it will be nice to have someone to walk with. Speaking of walking I need to go to the Dollarama to see if I can find a whiote board for the front room. If not Walmart is right there so it is not a big issue plus I like walking around in walmart I never know what I'll find

My writing is a bit disjointed this morning, I think it is because I am running up and down stairs trying to find things and keep myself organized. 

Blank DVD- pay attention to the wrapping so I don't get cases, white board, glue stix. I am tempted to buy some of that funky eyelash yarn they have at the dollarama but I don't know what I would use it for and I am trying to not go yarn crazy again. I would also like to get a timer and a pedometer. I have no idea where the last one I bought went and the other one got broken.

Less than 500 words today, I just can't think what to write or else the words in my head don't make it to the keyboard, it is not easy to be introspective and type at the same time. automatic writing is easier but I prefer this method since if I can keep up with the flow I gain some insight and I can share with you. This is my journal these days, mainly because the paper ones were beginning to take up far too much room since some days I only write a line or two and others ccan esily extend to 10 pages plus it's a whole lot easier to fix spelling errors. I know they can sometimes show an impression of what is in your head but that you can't say but god they bug me. I may not care much about grammar but spelling is a different matter all together. I am trying to remember how many words in typing equals the three pages of morning papers you are supposed to do for the artists'way. Lost the words there for a sec.

Was it 700 or 1000 hmm maybe I'll look it up again. That is the other good thing I think about using the computer to record my thoughts, I can look up things and add images easily if I am minded to. Well not so easily apparently. I was unable to find the page I was looking for and quickly found myself being side-tracked. There is an online companion to the book I would love to sign up for but it costs a min of $3.99 a month and I'm not sure where I can fit that into an already tight budget though it does interest me, finishing "The whole 12 week program of "The Artist's Way has been on my todo list for awhile, I run into problems with the weekly exercises because they ask me to remember things I have a hard time remembering. 

This word is # 781. At least 781 was word number 781 according to my word counter. Scribe fire tells me how many characters I've written and how many words.It is pretty handy that way. I keep coming back to it because it offers a few more options than the online blog entry form and I can take as long as I want to finish a entry because it doesn't log me out if I go to make coffee or something. Speaking of which I think I'll stop now and go make one. I am really loving my Tassimo!

8:42 AM and time to get on with the day!

OK so I don't give up easy :) It is 750 words and if you don't want to go public there is a website called quite appropriatly 750 words which gives you a private place to type your thoughts. When I put in my name Google came up with over a million matches but as I was looking over them I noticed not all of them are me, still it's a shock to see so many links with my name attached.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

PhotoChallenge

I am attempting to  do a 365 day photo challenge
These are the first three days.
Jan 1 Jan1 

Jan 2 Jan 2

Jan 3 Jan 3

03/01/2013

My goal for 2013 is to lose 52 lbs by Dec 30, 2013.
This would bring my weight to 180 lb and my BMI to 34.


Me at 232.6 lbs. Taken Jan 1, 2013
I am 5' 1" tall. I am 52 years old My BMI is 43.6
My Plan to Accomplish my goal is:

SparkPeople: Their Point system and the ability to reward myself with goodies combines accountability and rewards. They also have a good exercise video library, regular challenges and visual motivators all of which I intend to put to
good use.

Primarily:
  1. Recording all calorie Intake
  2. Dance 6 minutes a day to begin adding 4 to 5 minutes each month until I am dancing 30 minutes per day
    Jan: 6 min - Feb 10 min - Mar 15 min - Apr 20 min - May 25 min - June 30 min
  3. Strength building- Using the Spark people 10 minute exercise videos. Mon, Wed, & Fri. On Tues & Thur
    I will do 3 sets of 3 push-ups; 3 sets of 3 squats; and 3 sets of 3  crunches
  4. Daily challenges from my spark groups 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

02/01/2013

1) Seek out mental health options available in the Peterborough area by contacting Mental Health, talking with my doctor, researching groups that specialize in sexual abuse survivors, fibro sufferers and depression seminars, joing said groups if it is at all financially possible and attending all meetings. I have also considered al-anon or AA but am not sure if they would benefit me as I have been sober for sixteen years and though I have been stuggling here where it all began I am still sober. (yes this all comes under taking care of my mental health)

2) Contact Ontario Works and begin the ODSP application for the third time with the intension to fight it all the way to the end. I beleive I am incapable of working for any length of time without a collapse of some kind. Even covering for my SIL for a week took a really heavy toll on me and all it involved was watching the boys, walking the dogs and a bit of housekeeping. I was having accidents that could eventually have become serious injuries and I was mentally and physically exhausted to the point that I collapsed in my bed today and didn't move for six hours without the use of my respirator

3) Lose 52 pounds by this time next year using a combination of cheap, healthy eating, lots of physical activity, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and other behaviour reprogramming and regulating my sleeping habits. The CBT will probably be the most effective tool in my toolbox because it is aimed at behaviour modification which includes the way I think and feel about my body & my self. 

4) Strengthen my ability to focus and follow through on my health related goals

5) Participate in several crafting and knitting projects through- out the year beginning with the stash buster challenge in my Spark team group for knitters. My goal is to complete 365 projects during the year. The subject does not matter I just want to be creative this year.

These are the beginning but I realized that I did not get nearly as specific as I am going to have to get if I am going to actually reach these goals, some of them are just too general

The Weight loss one needs to be much more specific.

 

Cheap, healthy eating: I only do 1/3 of the cooking here and what I cook they tend to not eat. Also with the loss of my support for awhile I need to be much more careful with my money.

The first thing I did was sign up to a couple of frugel living newsletters from "The Dollar Stretcher" web site. This is a web site I have dealt with in the past and always find their articles informative and their info useful. They are US based but since Canada is more or less in sync with the USA I can make use of what they say fairly easily plus they cover a lot of different ways to save money including cooking for large families.

I especially like the seasonal foods list at "This Food Thing" as this tells me what is likely to be cheapest at the grocery store. This allows me to get my proper number of portions at a reasonable price

One of the other tools that I found extremely useful in the past is a food exchange list. The Mayo Clinic website has a comprehensive set of lists. FEL are used by a lot of diabetic patients to keep their glucose levels under control

Currently I am an active member at SparkPeople and I have memberships with several other weight loss sites. I was just thinking there are so many that maybe I need to put them over on the right as a set of useful links. All of these sites have paid options but I only use the free services which for now are sufficient.

I just need to make sure I use all of the tools I have available to me. SparkPeople and some of the other sites offer a recording option which can really help keep you focused or at least it does me. Mind you you have to be honest when you record things or it is just a big waste of time but if as person is committed I beleive they will be honest at least to themselves. Oh thats the other thing about SparkPeople unless you want public scrutinity you can set it so that only you can see what you recorded. This seems to me to defeat the accountability part of goal setting but some people just don't want to share that they ate a 10 oz steak and a bucket of mashed potatoes for dinner followed by a whole pumpkin pie. :) When I began just the fact that I could see what I had eaten and how many calories that added up to helped me immesly then when I began to share and other people praised me on my good days and ignored the bad ones it helped me gain a bit of perspective on my eating habits and encouraged me to keep going instead of giving up when I "fell off the wagon" so to speak.

I think it is time to switch tracks for a bit. I've been at this for an hour and I need a break. More later!

 

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

01/01/2013

Happy New Year!

As I looked back at 2012 I realized that some really good things came out of it! I received some clarification into something I have been dealing with my whole life, I came home to energy and grand-children with a new attitude of thankfulness, I found that I can still hope and plan and even achieve goals if I keep them small and quick. I learned about some new coping strategies that I feel will make a big difference in my life in the next year. Most of all I learned that as much as I prize quiet and control I really appreciate noise and laughter.

Looking into 2013 I know that I am facing a big year, I have things I need to work on and I feel that now I have quite a few of the tools I need to use and a direction to go. Being directionless has not done me any good. in SparkPeople I have a tribe and some really useful quides. The first guide is for January and it is called 31 days of Unbreakable Resolutions.  Todays says write down your top goals of the year, being as specific as possible.

This is my list:

1) Seek out mental health options available in the Peterborough area by contacting Mental Health, talking with my doctor, researching groups that specialize in sexual abuse survivors, fibro sufferers and depression seminars, joing said groups if it is at all financially possible and attending all meetings. I have also considered al-anon or AA but am not sure if they would benefit me as I have been sober for sixteen years and though I have been stuggling here where it all began I am still sober. (yes this all comes under taking care of my mental health)

2) Contact Ontario Works and begin the ODSP application for the third time with the intension to fight it all the way to the end. I beleive I am incapable of working for any length of time without a collapse of some kind. Even covering for my SIL for a week took a really heavy toll on me and all it involved was watching the boys, walking the dogs and a bit of housekeeping. I was having accidents that could eventually have become serious injuries and I was mentally and physically exhausted to the point that I collapsed in my bed today and didn't move for six hours without the use of my respirator

3) Lose 52 pounds by this time next year using a combination of cheap, healthy eating, lots of physical activity, CBT and other behaviour reprogramming and regulating my sleeping habits. The CBT will probably be the most effective tool in my toolbox because it is aimed at behaviour modification which includes the way I think and feel about my body & my self. 

4) Strengthen my ability to focus and follow through on my health related goals

5) Participate in several crafting and knitting projects through- out the year beginning with the stash buster challenge in my Spark team group for knitters. My goal is to complete 365 projects during the year. The subject does not matter I just want to be creative this year.