Monday, February 27, 2012

27/02/2012

I have been fighting a battle with my inner coward and she has been winning. I came back home a week ago from Toronto. I have not been outside since then. I would plan it but then I would wake up and I would feel ill or there would be a storm and I just couldn't do it.

Before I left Toronto I went to see my doctor. He is not happy with me. His first command was for me to get some psychiatric help, his first suggestion was to try yoga and finally he agrres with me that I am beyond borderline now and I need to start eating a diabetics diet. Thankfully chocolate has lost it's appeal to me over the last few months, not so great is that I have a sugar habit I need to break.

On top of all this I finally had it out with my daughter. I do not know what will happen next but I am certain I will not be seeing my grandsons any time soon. I will survive that, it just makes me so sad that she should blame everything that has happened on me and the american and not take any for herself.

I accept that I could have done things differently but going back there is not an option for me right now. I still need more time to get mentally and physically better. At least as much as I can for a 50ish woman. I know that is not old, not really but I am feeling very very old these days

I have made a few calls and I even set up an appointment (which I didn't go to) at a nearby Yoga place. It really sucks that I can't seem to do anything except sit here and either play games, watch movies or read. I know there is supposed to be more to life. I know there are things I need to do to be healthy but I don't have the energy for any of them, nor the will to pursue them and make them happen.

I am a loser at life and there are days like today when I think it would be better if it ended. I can't kill myself, I've tried and I was too much of a coward. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. But then I think I miss laughing with my friends, I miss having people around who were friends, these days all I have is the cat and the professor. Bella keeps trying to reach me but I think I am even beyond the reach of her Christian god. I have become sunk in a morass of my own pity. I know this yet I do nothing to change it. It is comfortable here, it is safe here I do not have to try and fit in. 

All I need to do is get through each day. Keep my meds up to date and my fridge full. Send out the items I have signed up to swap and look after my cat. And for the most part that is all I want to do, but there is a piece of me that says life isn't supposed to be like this. Life is about interacting with others, about being present in a way I am not.

For awhile I was able to get beyond my glass cage but now, now it is back and this time it is ever so much thicker and stronger. I do not know if I will be able to get beyond it again.

I have things to do when I wake up. It is already nearly 2AM. I have no choice I must get my perscription, maybe once I make it to the drug store I will be able to make it to University Plaza to deposit that cheque I've had in my purse for 10 days. I need to get some food for my kitty too, he is almost out.

I am trying for 750 words but I am running out of things to say. I try not to censor my thoughts when I write here but sometimes I find myself wondering if I should say something. If you reading this really want to read my whining, I don't think so but I need to remind myself I do this for me as much as for you. Hopefully you identify with me in some things and hopefully I help you to feel less alone but I do not have a cure, I am having a hard time helping myself. It was bad enough before my father died, it feels like it is 10X worse now.

I wish I could say I`ll write every day in here but as you see I`m not very good at that... but I am thinking I probably should given how much negativity is coming out in this post. It is time to clense my mind again and that means thirty days of writing 750+ words every day.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

15/02/2012

Well I got a nice surprise last night. One of the professor's co-workers also works at this upscale restauraunt called Rosa's and because he owed the professor a favour he actually got as a table at 8pm for Valentines Day. What is so remarkable about this is he basically did it overnight. The Professor did the favour then his friend told him the next day that he had secured a table for us on Valentines day. How cool is that! See I came to the GTA to see my doctor, I stay with the professor because that means I get a ride, meals and a place to sleep for nothing other than my company which suits my budget very well.

Speaking of the Dr to say my appointment went badly is an understatement. I explained the circumstances that had brought me to him and he arranged the appointment then gave me a lecture about diabetes and gave me two direct commands. One get a counsellor ie shrink and two lose weight. The second he has been telling me for two years but I just haven't has an incentive. That little incident with the jam sandwiches a couple of weeks ago made it go from a possibility to a probability and that means I can no longer drag my feet.

I have already spoken to the Professor about the counsellor and he suggested I get started on that immediatly which I did. I now have two numbers I can call to get the process started. 

When I mentioned the diet thing he was right there bossing me around telling me to make the most of the fancy dinner last night because today I would begin my diet and he would see to it that I took proper care of myself. He is fussy that way. That I already eat fairly smartly didn't seem to enter either the professors head nor the doctors.

My issues are a bit different. For one I hardly move about. I go from my bed to the bathroom to my chair and that happens three or four times a day, that cycle is the only real movement I make most days. This I know is detrimental to my attempt at weight loss. The other issue I have is a bit harder to deal with because sometimes I don't even notice that I'm doing it. I seem to eat about every two hours or so right up until bed time.  

Dr Cohen told me that the normally held beleifs of what diabetes is and what role that insulin plays were incorrect. Diabetes is a disease of the blood vessels. It causes them to narrow so blood has a harder time getting to where it is needed. He said this is why diabetics go blind, the eyes no longer get an adequat blood supply so they die. Insulin is not directly about sugar but its job is to turn sugar into fat so if there is too much insulin in the body you get obesity and other fat related problems. The solution is to eat a healthy diet, cutting back on both sugar and fat and eating lots of vegetables and fruit. It also requires that you rev up you metabolism with regular exercise so that the extra fat you are already carrying gets burned up and you don't add any more

I am already doing the former it is the regular exercise part that is proving difficult. I discussed it with the professor (he is also my financial counsellor) and he agrees it is no longer a choice I need to get a member ship at the local YMCA and start going there regularly. Dr Cohen also suggested Yoga so I'm going to go see Shanti when I get back and find out when her $5 yoga nights are. At least I'll be able to go to a few each month.

With my discovery of spiritual dance I now have an outlet for that in my life now as well. I may do it alone but at least I do it. It has become less than an option and more of an imperative. I have not danced since I got here and I feel myself longing for it I just can't seem to do it in this house. I am not sure the reasoning behind that but I never claimed to understand my own psyche that well. Well enough to point to the surface things I need to work on but not well enough to chase them down to their roots

I can tell you all the categories I think I fall into but chances are the ones that are most important are not known to me. That is just the way things are, you may know yourself better than anyone else in the world but you do not see yourself as others do and what they see is often very different from what you see. 

EG: I consider myself shy and unsure, those that know me say I show confidence and speak well when I'm with others.

This is just one example. I did a interview thing once where I answered questions about myself then asked others the same questions. Quite often their answers were significantly different from my own and most of those were positives not negatives. I can only conclude that I am much harder on myself than other people are. That said I think that could be true for all of us, every human on the planet. You really can't see yourself as others see you.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

12/02/2012

I do not complain much about electronics unless they are pissing me off and this laptop has realy ticked me off. I like a bright screen, I mean who doesn't want maximum backlight when you are sitting inside. But this GD  machine refuses to keep full brightness any more for longer than a minute or two. One that makes it a bit difficult to see the images on the screen and it's not much better with the words.

Its like I either have to squint to make out even these words I'm typing or open my eyes as far as I can to see something as simple as my desktop background forget the online stuff. On top of that sometimes I have to hit the space button twice to get a space between the words I'm typing. Sugar, even some of the letters sometimes have to be hit twice to appear.

One of the reasons I am in Toronto this week is so the Professor can put together a new laptop for me and copy over my data to it. If anything I think the backlight is getting even lower pretty soon I'm not going to be able to even see what I'm typing. Anyone want a headache caused by eye strain? I'll give you mine.

I will continue to type until I reach my 750 words or the light runs out, whichever comes first, when I asked the professor said the new machine would be ready in an hour or so, so soon I'll be able to see again. Thank goodness.

Did you know that water that has been filtered through a purifier and kept in the fridge for 30 days or so can get scum on it. Neither did I until I saw it with my own eyes. I filled the Britta before I left the last time just after New Years. Today when I went to get water from it so I could take my meds it literally had scum on the top of it and not just a couple of specks I mean significant sized patches of at least 5 cm in length, thats 2 inch patches of scum in a pitcher supposedly holding purified water. Talk about evidence that the water system in the city needs an overhaul.

Yeah lots of negatives today it seems like its going to be one of those days. I still need to get the external drive set up so I can back-up this hard drive. Rob says he can copy over the data but I'm not sure I want him to, I think I'd rather start with a clean slate except for my music.

Software is relativly easy I only use a few things and most of them like this Scribefire I download and install myself because they are applications I use that the Professor doesn't know about or doesn't consider essential. Another one is Evernote and I only just discovered it, though after a few months of using it I think One Note is actually more useful to me than evernote is because evernote can't store spreadsheets inside it self. It can have attachments and I am learning to ue that functionality but honestly I beleive I will be going back to one note. I've used it since it was a little add-in called binders back in the Windows 3.1 days

While the fact that evernote can be stored in the cloud is a plus on it's side I do not think that one thing makes up for the other deficiencies I've noted like it's inability to import word and excel docs. Or maybe I just haven't learned it all yet. I may keep it for other things like tracking game info and stuff.

I am a little over one hundred words away from my daily goal of 750 words but considering how much of a strain on my eyes this thing is I may decide to cut today's writing short.

Maybe not. Some good news both my cats the old and the new have settled into an uneasy truce. They actually took turns lying with me on the bed last night and they both slept in the same room. I suppose that it helps that they are both 7 year old neutered males. That makes them close to my human years in their cat years and thus perhaps a bit more sensible than younger cats. Trixie the young spayed female terroizes both of them. When they growl or swat here I keep hoping she will get the message to leave them alone but no luck with that yet apparently.

Ahh goal reached later you all Hugs

Friday, February 10, 2012

10/002/2012

750 words each day is the seekers way

Of finding how they feel today

1000 words a day is the journalists way

Of practicing their art every day

But if to be an author is your deepest wish

2000 to 3000 words you must accomplish

In your daily practice to succeed

 

Such a lot of work it seems for the words that you and I read. It amazed me when I found out about this. If you are only a reader as I used to be the way the words flow seems exactly right. We don't think it is too hard to put words to paper though a real writer can tell you of long dry days and even longer nights getting as many words as possible onto the paper. They also don't tell you about the hours and hours you spend editing and rewriting only to have a publisher tell you that you need to rewrite a whole chapter because it just doesn't sound right.

Poetry is easier for me as you can see above, It takes little time to write and it is a thing of love. If I were to try and publish my poetry I think it would be rejected outright as being simplistic even childish at times, but you know what I prefer that to some of the poetry I have had to read three or four times before it made any sense to me.

One of my goals in the 101 in 1001 is to write fifty two poems  in 52 different styles. The one above is refered to a rhyming couplet which is the first one we are taught in school. The final line does not fit the pattern but that is me, if a thought is too long to chop into two lines I will sometimes write three or four because it is the thought behind the poetry that is the most important. Once you have an idea of what you want to say the rest is just polishing so that it has a regular rhyme and rhythm.

The voice I am using right now could be called teacherly I guess for in my head it sound like I am giving a lecture. Other times I feel like I am speaking through tears of sorrow and sometimes through anger and hate. Once in awhile I will even find tones of love and wisdom in my words. That is how I preceive them, you may see/hear them differently. Now I am not sure those tones are what they mean by voice but that is how I see them

Here endeth the lecture, lol. I remind myself of the way the professor pontificates when I get into teacher form. It is a voice I try to avoid but which keeps appearing in my writing again and again. It's like I have to teach the supposed readers how I see because for me that is the only way I can reach out and touch them.

I am a recluse by choice. I had someone offer me conversation and friendship and I turned themdown with the words "I am not very social". I really am not. Yes it is a mattter of choice and yes I could change it if I wanted. I can be quite enterteining and when I apply my mind to a subject I usually know enough of the basics to understand what the other person is saying and to be able ot "parrot" it back to them so that they feel they are having a meaningful conversation and not just sharing some idle chit chat.

For the rest of today's writing I thought I might share my top 20 things I like about myself.

1. I have beautiful eyes that are reddish brown, a brown I have only seen on one other person, a cousin

2. My hair is changing from a darkish brown to a silver that shines when it is clean

3. I am good with my hands

4. I can knit at a advanced beginners level

5. I am not afraid to experiment

6. I can write good poetry

7. I still play with dolls and do not feel silly about it

8. I can hold my own in nearly any situation

9. I keep a tidy home

10. I can carry on a conversation about many things

11. I help those less fortunate than myself when I can

12. I am getting better at drawing

13. I am getting better with watercolor paint

14. I have a daily schedule of things to do every day

15. Even better I follow that schedule most days

16. I am reasonably careful with money and am currently debt free.

17. I make my bed every day

18. I do not drink, smoke or fornicate my one vice is facebook games

19. I cook and eat healthy things and eat few processed foods (read cans)

20. I am always interested in learning more about stuff that interests me.

I did manage to actually stretch this list to 100 ala "Tackle any issue with a List of 100" but I am not sure where I wrote them down. I have the book but I thought I would share the online link. It really is a good way to learn more about yourself and help you find the issues you need to work on to lead a healty mental life.

Today it seems I am in the mood to write but I think for now I will stop, have a coffee and maybe come back.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

08/02/2012

As I was writing up the 101 in 1001 report other thoughts kept occuring to me that didn't have anything to do with it but one of the things in the report would make me think of something else

Think I can think of them now, course not cause now I want to write about them, my brain works like that.

I need to use a cutical pusher and remover, you can't see the half moons at the bottom of my nails any more. The polish I picked up is a transparent pink with sparkles in it. The first time it stuck to my nails fairly well but the second time I was able to peel of the polish in one piece. I wonder how much it would cost for a manicure, they would be able to make my nails pretty. Nexttime I'm downtown I'll check. I still have a bit of money in the business account, maybe it will be enough. I keep thinking about fake nails but the last set ruined my nails for a long time and they were heavy, not to mention way, way too long. I asked for the shortest they had and they were still too long.

The mind is an amazing thing, it can take you into some really strange territory sometimes. One second you'll be thinking about something and the next you mind goes off on a tangent triggered by the first thought but entirely different.

Music, I have 315 songs presently in my library, most are what is called pop now but we just called rock n roll, some are for exercise and a great many of them are for Christmas. I'm a sucker for Christmas music. I am sure that some of the songs I liked such as Harper Valley PTA and These Boots are not there. If I were to compile a playlist of my 100 favorite songs they would be a mix of trucker songs, old country, and old rock n roll, with a bit of pan pipes and nature sounds mixed in, you might even find other genres as well though I think probably not much newer than 1990 which is when I stopped listening to the radio because rap was popular and while I like the music well enough I object to the words. Do I have them all in my collection, probably not some of them are hard to get these days. You see I got so frustrated by the tedious job of sorting through the collection  I had that I just deleted the whole thing and my back-up is on an external drive I can't access because I lost the power cord. sai le vie...that's life

I have colored a few pictures in my coloring book but not in awhile, for some reason I've not done much in the past couple of months, not since Dad's death actually, which is probably what triggered the depression. And with all the stuff that went down because of my daughters anger it just didn't seem to matter if I completed the list or not. There are many, many more things I want to do besides what is on the list infact I have two other similar lists out there on the net somewhere, one I can easily find, the other one not so much.

Ditto the puzzle books and the Artist's Way I haven't picked them up since October. They sit here in plain sight in front of me just waiting and call but I do not answer.

I think I am done for now, though I am only at 600 words or so I am weary and my nails are crying out for some attention

Day 146 -101 in 1001 Challenge

Updates:

Music listened to and deleted. I have kept only those ones I really wanted

On another list somewhere I had reach level 100 on Farmville and level 1000 on cafe world. As of this week I have done that. I am reluctant to stop in the middle of a quest but I think that is the only way I am going to be able to go three months without facebook. The last time I tried I didn't even last a day but I have a few things that require my attention for a month or so. That will at least keep me busy for a bit

I haven't stopped chewing my nails but I have grown then longer than I ever have before. I have been using nail polish to make myself aware of what I'm doing. Mom said use tabasco but I can get used to that taste, nail polish tastes just nasty.

I have been reading on my tablet (not ipad better and less expensive), so I haven't been reading the books on my shelf. I do have a box to put them in now so it is just a matter of sorting them and delivering them

I have started a list of my top 100 songs but haven't gotten around to making a playlist yet. Maybe I should be working on these instead of playing Zynga games :)

The list of 20 things I like about myself is finished I just haven't decided if I want to post it or not

I have put away 500 of the thousand and ten I need to put away for completeing all of the goals on my list, Thanks to my father's life insurance it was easy. The other 510 maybe not so easy but we will see

Under UFO's are the comfort dolls, still waiting for me to get to them, again something I could do besides hang out at Facebook all day :) and one angel dress for a Barbie that I started but I think I may have to tear it out and do it flat, four needles are hard, using a circular needle is easier but I am not sure where my little one went.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

07/02/2012

In the time since I last wrote here I have had several thoughts but no gumpsion. As my father used to say, "My get up and go has got up and went". This lack of energy/drive has been missing my whole life or so it seems, though a shrink once said the depression itself started between twelve and thirteen. A lot of stuff happened that year including the worst beating of my life, and starting my monthly cycle.

Though that really doesn't explain this complete lack of drive I have. I worked at a job I liked because it was what you did at that age but when you change employers every few months it can be nerve racking, I solved that later by becoming a temp it was more in keeping with the ups and downs I experienced.

I got married at 27 because he asked and I didn't want to become an old maid. I managed to keep that going for five years but eventually it fell apart because I just had no interest in continuing to try.

For a few years after that I remember being happy and moving forward a little though I think that had to be as much the drugs they had me on for my depression as with my own attitude, more perhaps. My mother died and the world went to hell for three years. My kids left during that time and I near drank myself to death.

But then I got my first computer and suddenly all the things I had ever wanted to learn about was free and available. Also I made some friends in the chat rooms of the day called BBS. BTW one of those was the Professor. so you could say I found love there too.

I lived by myself for the first time ever and I liked it, I even lost a lot of the extra weight I was carrying around, when I married the Professor I was a good 30 pounds lighter than I was when I met him. :) That didn't last long though. When I entered his world I entered a world that was very different from the life I had led most of my life. After being poor for decades suddenly I was comfortably middle class, I had a good paying job that I liked and co-workers who were nice to me. Except that was the problem you see.

Everything was so great I was waiting and worrying. Waiting for the second shoe to drop as they say, too much good luck just had to be followed by some really bad luck. Worrying and eating, eating because I could and because I was worried, I gained back the thirty pounds plus a lot more. When I was let go and then the Professor lost his job all I felt was releif, now I was back to a level I understand, still comfortable but all the fancy dinners and life theatre four times a year were gone. The Professor found another job quickly enough and so did I. 

Except that eventually I had to move closer to my work or be up at 4 am every morning to catch the bus to be on time for my shift. I left because it made sense at the time but I wonder how my life would have been different if I hadn't left that first time. When I came back he and his roundhead brother had taken over the whole house and from then on I felt like an interloper. I loved the Professor still, (as much as I am capable of anyway), but there was no room in his home and even less in his life for me.

Eventually I left again, knowing that there was no chance for me to ever return to his home or his life ever again. Well sorta, as you know we can't live together and we certainly don't have sex any more but still we talk every night and I visit about once every 30-60 days for a week or so at a time. It is a strange relationship we have these days. I still get mushy when I see him but when he is not around sometimes I wish he would just leave me alone.

There is a photo of me on my facebook profile, it is the last good photo I ever had taken, the me that sits here is beginning to show her age. At least the monthly cycle is gone, I'm willing to gain a few wrinkles for the removal of that mess. It was also the last time I remember ever moving about and enjoying it pain free. The Fibro set in sometime between that photo and my next yearly check-up.

The first thing I noticed was that I was tired all the time not just some of the time and that those five hour walks I used to enjoy now were fifteen minutes at the most. When I had to do running around to do I was only able to manage half the number of stops that I used to be able to do and that after a couple of hours out I would come home and take a nap. Naps slowly but surely from being an occasional thing to being an every day thing, Finally I found myself buying Tylenol much more often and taking quite a few more in a day than the two I used to take to help me sleep. Not only that but my back still hurt even after taking the maximum recommended dose and then some.

Since my father died depression that the pills can't help with has set in and I am sleeping 12 to 15 hours out of every 24, I eat constantly and my I don't care attitude has in fact become a way of thinking. I do not have the energy any more to worry about how my actions might affect those around me. And once more it doesn't matter, I am dealing with my misery, they can deal with their own problems

When I go to see the doctor on the 14th I'm going to tell him the truth, that the pills aren't helping and that they haven't helped in several months. I will tell him about dad but I also plan to tell himthat I quit. I'm quitting controlling my diet, I'm quitting worrying if I am getting enough exercise and that generally if I had my way I would quit the human race completely except that I can't commit suicide instead I will die the day I get so fat my poor heart gives out and I'm not going to even try to prevent it.

I am tired, tired, tired and I want to be able to rest as long as I need to without feeling guilty about it.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Day 141 -101 in 1001 Challenge

Nothing has changed in the last twenty days. I am still in the middle of a lot of different projects and I have completed a couple of more swaps but mainly I've just been waiting. If someone tells you getting an inheritance is easy you can tell them I say bullshit, oh ok I wanted to stay on OW so I can get my meds paid for and that complicated things a little.

ok stopping now this is more for a chronicle than 101 in 1001. so basically nothing has changed I am still in the same place I was 20 days ago except that I have completed a few mor journal pages towards the 365. In fact by the end of this month I should be around 65 pages as I need to create 50 for a swap