Thursday, December 14, 2017

Wrapping up 2017 Part 2: Favourites

Another look back at the year celebrating all the new and old things that pleased me most.

My favourite movies this year has to be Guardians of the Galaxy 1 & 2. Like most people I like Groot but I really love Drax. His view of life is so simple, "You hurt what is mine and I will destroy you", that's how I feel too

My favourite book/series/genre of the year: Well I discovered Steampunk fantasy which is pretty cool and of course read a lot about vampires but this year I've been reading a lot of what they call Cozy Mysteries and the one that I wished had more books in it was "Retired Witches Mysteries" by Joyce and Jim Lavene. "Spell Booked" is the first in the series.

I discovered two new musical groups this year, my favourite is the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, the other one is a group called Pentagon out of China I think

There are other favourites as well but today I will stop here, tomorrow or the next day I'll talk about crating and travel

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Wrapping up 2017 Part 1

Looking Back
Found two new interests Calligraphy and Zen gardens. Bought a new fountain pen because the old one wasn't working
Nativity at nearby church
Bought a loft bed trying to make more room in my apartment. Didn't work as planned cause I couldn't climb the ladder. Created my own small zen garden
Zen Garden

Loft bed
Began spending time with my son and his three little ones. We had several play dates together
Rob surprised me and I got a new tarot deck

Rownan and Scarlett GC #5 & #6
Created my first bullet journal. Got my first credit card in 30 years. Very busy month for swap-bot

My desk in April
Did a lot of soul searching and came to the conclusion I have impulse control issues and no clue how to control them
A tapestry I did while thinking

My cover page for June in bullet Journal
Began a new Project Zero/ 101 things to do in 1001 days
Loved my daughters back yard this year
Lots of swaps this month. Started in Zines again as well as Friendship books, Pocket Letters, Flipbooks & Penpals. Plus I made up a couple of old swaps

a photo my son sent from BC
Vacation with family in Niagara Falls. 3 birthdays including Robs 50th. Working trip with Rob to Ottawa & Kingston
Nessa and family in Niagara Falls

The reason I wanted to go to Ottawa
Oldest GD started college and we spent a lot of time helping her get set up. Started looking into subscription boxes. We took my two oldest grandsons to Chucky Cheese for some fun!
GC #3 & #4
Our 20 year anniversary. 5 birthdays in this month including mine. Started playing Royal Story on Facebook. Thanksgiving was  great we combined our birthdays and Thanksgiving into one big party.

Rob had a heart attack on Nov 24. I went to Toronto to help him out
An image I used for a post card
10 days in and nothing much to say, have been too focused on Rob, who is doing better.

an image I used for a set of ATC's I'm making, "The ABC's of Christmas"

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Now What?

I guess I am a stupid romantic fool after all. I let my mind persuade me that it would be all right, that we would live our dream of growing old together. I really should have known better.

 After his first refusal to fight for me he took me back when I asked. I figured , I figured a lot of things on very little evidence and now I am paying for it.

A chance remark and I'm building a fantasy I should have known was wrong. Wishful thinking...
So much wishful thinking. I don't want to be alone any more. I want someone who will be there every day who will hug and hold me every day, who will stand beside me and argue for me every day. But that isn't going to happen.

If just once he had talked straight instead of around things I would have understood and I would have dealt with it. Handled it far better than I did.

I listen to what he says but do I still trust him? He says he has never lied to me but there are many ways to lie without out right false hood. Do I trust him? Yes I do far more than the source or her source.

Living in Toronto does not suit me. It is too big and everyone moves way too fast. On the 20th we will know if he is fit to drive and to do limited work. If it is a yes then when we go to Peterborough for Christmas I will not be coming back with him. If it is no I'll stay as long as he needs the help.

I knew I kept my apartment for some reason now I know what it was. I will not wrap him in cotton wool but I will protect him as much as I can. It is how I have always operated, he is who he is and trying to change him would be counterproductive for both of us.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

One Week

It has been one week since the heart attack. I want to say the professor is his old self but that would be a lie. He has always locked his emotions away especially his anger and fear. He is doing that still. I am certain that is not where he needs to be but it is his process and I will wait patiently  as I have always done for him.

When he is ready to release it I will be ready to hold him and give him my strength. We are only at the beginning of this journey and we are both aware that it will be a long road.

For myself I am tired and can easily see where the term caretakers burn-out comes from. The good news is that I don't feel I'm anywhere near are breaking point, all my issues are ones I've dealt with for the past four years.

He is very understanding when I need a nap. I am certain the connection we have would give me a heads up should he have issues.

I knew there was an issue days before the actual attack but as always I thought it was just my imagination. I suppose after so many correct premonitions I should trust them but I never do. Usually because they mean something bad for someone close to me. And who wants to tell someone something bad.

If you say it it will come true but if you only think it there is the possibility that it won't.

So two more weeks of light activity then he should be able to start a walking program. At least six weeks until they will even consider letting him go back to work. By that time I suspect he is going to be biting my head off a lot. Shrug goes with the territory.

Tuesday he has his first appointment with the GP and later next week we hope an appointment with the heart specialist.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

A New Chapter?

Things went kinda pear shaped for the professor on Thursday and I am still reeling. Without warning and with very few contributing factors he suffered a "really bad" heart attack. It is a shock to all of us who know him. This guy just turned 50 three months ago. He doesn't smoke, has never done so. Doesn't drink except once in awhile socially and then he takes a few sips and that is it for him. He doesn't have diabetes or cholesterol problems. He is at most 20 lbs overweight. The doctor says it was just rotten luck and the fact that he can be stupid stubborn about seeking medical help unless the pain is too much. They say that the 12 hour delay from onset until he got to the hospital is the main cause of the damage and the damage is "really bad".

I heard one of the doctors say on the phone that he had lost 55 % function. Since I only caught part of the conversation I can't be sure that I heard it right but it speaks to the doctors repetition of "really bad". Thankfully he has to make very few changes in his lifestyle, the main ones are giving up his South Street burgers as well as eating more vegetables which he doesn't like much.

It also means that our usual Date night A & W followed by Dairy Queen has to go away. I am not happy about that one at all and neither will he be when he realizes it. Thankfully there is still Swiss Chalet and Red Lobster.

The other thing it heralds is a change in our living arrangement. There are going to be some issues around that I'm sure but I am also sure that they will need the police to remove me from his side ever again. The two hour trip down here from Peterborough took forever and I was a mess. I never want to have to go through that again. And I never want him to spend those hours alone again, in pain with no one to hold onto.

He has always had a phobia around death and this made him face that demon head on and alone. I do not want that for him ever again and will do my damnedest to make sure it never happens again!

For now I am here and intend to stay here!

Once he is out of the hospital he will be joining a recovery group and has asked me to go with him. I know I asked for an exercise partner that I could push and they would push back but I am not happy about the prologue to it. There had to be a less dire way the great spirit could have helped me. Water under the bridge now though. We just have to adjust our lives a little and work together to get stronger and healthier.

As long as we are together the rest will take care of itself.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

New Adventures Take 2

I'm back home again have been for a few days. Things did not go as planned.

It was a great idea but it turns out I'm quite timid about going downtown Toronto by myself these days. I have been too long away I think. The other thing is I am no longer used to Toronto's air, it ended up taking a couple of days just for my body to adjust to the air quality change. Peterborough is much smaller and the air quality is much better.

I did get to the Japanese $2 store though and found all kinds of lovely paper and envelopes. The others I'll just have to shop online I guess.

Maybe it is because Toronto is so big that I found the idea of travelling on city transit scary. Whatever it was I'll try again next year. Maybe sooner if my everlovin replaces his mattress soon. I found his bed very difficult to sleep on.

I did learn that in his heart he wishes we could live together again and I must admit I find it tempting. Any hesitations I have I could remedy fairly quickly with just a little work. The biggest difficulty would be finding space for my crafting stuff though there is a room that could be used to accommodate me. No one else uses it for anything but storage. It is big enough and with a few changes would be perfect.

They would not object because I can and would pay my way but they would not be as easy to deal with regarding the furniture changes I would need. It is a thought. I am getting antsy again and going back home would be nice since my daughter no longer needs me here.

What do you think hon? Think we could do the living together thing again? I think I would like to try but some adjustments would have to be made by you three for it to work. I can't and won't feel like a stranger in my own home ever again.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

New Adventure time

I am in Toronto for the next week and I have a plan! I am going to as many stationary shops as I can that are reachable by bus. I packed a heap of projects to do but left them sitting in their nice wicker trunk beside my door. So now I got to go get more writing paper and in the process I can look at the great fountain pens they carry. Plus I have an excuse to pick up stickers and background papers! Yay me!

So how many stationary shops are their in the GTA? More than ten! Yep you heard me there are more than ten of them in the city.

The first one I plan on going to I discovered many years ago. The Papery is in the Yorkville shopping area and has been there for forty years. It is also where I first discovered writing paper and fountain pens. Though I'll be going to their St Clair and Yonge branch since it is closer.

There is a place called Page and Panel near the Toronto library so I can go there and to the library in one shot. I have never been to the main Toronto Library Since its on the same Train line I might do both of them in one day.

There are at least 4 in Koreatown that will be another days trip though they are in the Yonge Bloor Area as well

As for the rest of the days I'll be resting and doing laundry and working on a couple of Projects.